I think I might have something wrong with my female brain. I always want to fix-it. It’s the first thing that comes into my mind when someone begins to share a bad day. I think, “well, let’s see, maybe you should… or how about…” Sure, I listen, but I start solving. Do you think this has anything to do with math being my favorite subject in school?
I really have to work on it. And just listen. When my son came home from his mission I noticed that he was a really good listener. He did not interrupt, he waited and listened. I was impressed. He had learned this technique in Taiwan, to listen to what a person was saying, and try to understand. (Ha — maybe it was a bit of a language barrier that helped.) When he did that with me I noticed that I felt great — he was concerned, interested. I realized that I wasn’t doing as good a job.
It actually takes work. I am too quick to go to the drawing board, solve the problem.
In all my years of child-rearing and reading parenting books, there was one that just made sense. And it worked. I learned that many times, my kids, if I gave them half a chance, would come up with their own solution, and guess what? They made the right decision. I did not have to tell them. It was the one I would have suggested, but they did it on their own. And they felt good.
But it sure is hard for me to keep my mouth shut, and wait. And listen.
It works at any age, kids, married kids, in-laws, spouses, you name it, it works. If you try it.
The book is called “I Don’t have To Make Everything All Better”, by marriage and family therapist, Gary B. Lundberg and his wife, Joy. Yep, well that is difficult medicine for a mother to swallow. But it does make sense.
Don’t get me wrong, you set boundaries, but you always remain calm.
You validate how someone feels — in other words, you let the person have feelings, and in doing so, they feel like you care, you understand, which is what everyone wants — to know that someone cares about them and that their feelings matter.
Here are some examples of not doing it correctly:
It’s cold, your son is not a morning person, you go into his room, make sure he is getting up, he says, “I don’t want to get up, it’s cold, I’m pretty tired.” You reply, “You’re not that tired, and you’ll warm up once you get moving, you’ll be fine.”
Your married daughter complains that life is hard and they just don’t have enough money for anything extra. You reply, “oh, when your dad and I were first married….it was really hard back then…”
Yea, difficult. It is difficult to listen, and let the other person feel their feelings are valid. We want to help them, and solve their problem. Everyone likes to help solve someone’s problem. But this actually causes more strain in the relationship. Funny. Many times, when someone is talking, we are thinking ahead of how to help, how to solve the problem.
Well, anyway, it was a helpful book. Still is. I wonder why I have to keep pulling it off the shelf?
Six Practical Principles That Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationship:
Principle One: Be An Effective Validator
Principle Two: Leave The Responsibility Where It Belongs
Principle Three: Acknowledge Emotions
Principle Four: Develop the Art of Listening
Principle Five: Find the Right Time to Teach
Principle Six: Learn the Effective Validating Phrases and Questions
